The wolf you feed.

Whether you like Joel Osteen or not, he made a comment in one of his sermons that I never forgot; "Only you can pull yourself out of this."

The world got really big. Really fast.

When you've lost everything that you know; your job, your life, your reputation, it is easy to fall into a very dark place.  A place that feels as though there is no way out. There isn't a light at the end of the tunnel. And, suddenly, the struggle becomes real. Not like basic white girl real, but very, very, real.

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It's funny how in the blink of an eye everything can change.

One of my buddies thinks I need a hobby. Well, I personally agree, but that would include socializing or leaving and that's not exactly on the to do list. I'm more on the Netflix and Chill plan. Binge watching and eating pizza made it to the top of the list, but somehow losing weight did too.

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"Adulting" became a verb if I needed to leave my cozy little home, so for the most part, I cleaned, did laundry, talked to my girlfriends, and avoided the news. I visited with my family, my friends, and kept a very low profile. I directed all questions to my lawyer unless I felt as though the person asking was genuine. Everyone who needed to know already does, if you're calling for deets you're a day late and a dollar short. In a personal, very public crisis you learn who cares and who is just curious.  I mean, read the paper if you have any questions, we all know that's always accurate.

Anyway, back to the wolf you feed. It's easy to get negative. It's easy to get mad. It's easy to feel like a victim. It's easy to blame the world. And, for about three weeks I did. I'm so happy I have good friends because I must have been a negative ball of anger. Actually, I'll rephrase that. I was a negative ball of anger. I hated everything. Everyone. The world. But, then realized that wasn't getting me anywhere. I was still in the exact same spot I started in. So, I started sending love. Ideas of happiness, love, and light to the prosecutor, to my ex, to the life that I was grieving.

Getting back to the basics became an actual chore. I had to work hard to stay positive, to be happy, to be me. I remember specifically thinking, I hope I can get back to me. I missed me. I missed the woman I was before this all started. The over ambitious, over achieving, woman I was when I thought I had the world in the palm of my hand. Because I literally did. Or at least I felt like it. So every morning I wake up and I'm grateful that the sun's out and I woke up. I am grateful for my wonderful friends and family who  have literally carried me through this time. I am grateful for the basics like a roof over my head, a car in the driveway, and of course Netflix.